LOOKING BACK TO MOVE AHEAD

 

 

Nancy woke up early that morning.  Her eyes drifted through the dim light to the ornamented photo frames on the dresser then to the farm antiques on another shelf.  The preceding night of short and interrupted sleep made her more edgy than normal.  As her eyes found the wildlife in the calendar landscape, she was reminded of the passing years.  Then came the realization of this day like a bump on the head.  Today her family would be placing her in a nursing home.  Her dread of this future quickly snuffed out any early morning escapes from her weary mind. 

“I want to stay at home” and “I do not want to go” tortured her thoughts with a merciless cadence as she stared at the ceiling.  All Nancy could think of when hearing the words “nursing home” was “an institution where people just laid around in their room and waited to die.”   Yet, as much as she longed to be a caregiver and not the recipient, she knew she couldn’t keep asking for help from her family.

Her quiet struggle was relieved by a soft knock on her bedroom door.  “Come in” she said in a sad voice.  Her daughter Barb entered.

“Good morning, Mom.  We need to get ready--our appointment is at 10:00.”

“Yes, I know!” said Nancy’s aggravated reply.  “You don’t have to rush me; I would like to enjoy my last morning here at home.”

“Mom, I told you.  The nursing home is not like it used to be.  It’s a caring facility, just like home.  I wouldn’t take you there if I didn’t think you would enjoy yourself,” said Barb.

“Right.  I am sure that is what they tell all the old timers.  But really, all they see is money walking in their door,” Nancy hissed.

“Okay, Mom.  If you do not like it, then I will not make you stay.  It will be your choice, okay?”

“Sure, they probably all say that too,” said Nancy as she flipped her covers back.

“Just get ready, Mom, trust me.  And no, they don’t all say that either.” 

As Barb closed the door, Nancy still couldn’t find the motivation to move.  She wanted to savor every last minute in her own bed.  Remembering her daughter’s last words, she finally got up and started to dress.  Then came the realization that today was the last day of her life as she had known it.  The last day she would wake up at home with her family.  The last day to see everything she had worked so long to build.  

“How could anyone live the rest of their life in a nursing home?”  Nancy thought to herself again.  For years she had heard those tales of how patients had to sit around all day in those disgusting diapers, and consider themselves real lucky to have a clean one.  Then there was staff who would over-medicate patients for convenience.  And the constant urine smell among other things.  Worse yet was how families never returned to visit after saying so many times they would.  “Drooling patients, covered with crumbs and a glassy stare,” as she remembered before.  Nancy had convinced herself that all she could do was pray that she died quickly once she entered such a place.  

 Nancy knew that another fall at home would be too much responsibility for her daughter to bear.  She shrugged her shoulders and would surrender to a nursing home visit, for her family’s sake.  She also knew that her family needed the freedom to build their foundation like she had so many years ago.  

Finally dressed, she turned the doorknob and gave her room one last glimpse.  She was flooded with the memories of the first time she looked at the room with her husband and how they had raised their family in this old house.  Her room was all that was left of what she had, and now, she had to let go of that too.  How she wished her husband was still alive and by her side.  She was lonely enough and now she had to give up her daughter and room as well.  There just wasn’t much left.

She took one last deep breath to hold the memories tight.  A tear slowly slid down her cheek.  “Be strong, Nancy.  You have to do this for Barb,” she persuaded herself.   Closing the door she felt like she was closing the book of the life she knew.   Down the stairs she went to meet Barb.

            “You okay, Mom?” Barb said as she took her mother into her arms with a tight embrace.  “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.  It’s hard on me too.  But I think you will really enjoy the changes they’ve made there.  Let’s go see what you think and have lunch there.  If you do not like it, we’ll get in the car and come home, no questions asked.”

Nancy backed out of Barb’s embrace, stood taller and said “I’ll be fine, Honey, let’s go.”  While Nancy felt like her heart was breaking in half, she was determined to be tough for Barb and her family.  They walked to the car hand in hand.  

 As the two drove away, Nancy looked back to memorize everything about the old farmhouse and the events that occurred there:  Barb’s birth in the upper bedroom, building fences, the devastating barn fire, harvesting, Barb’s garden wedding, sitting on the deck with her husband watching  the sunset, spotting wildlife through the window.  “So many memories to cherish forever,” she thought as the view departed.

            Nancy’s sad ride concluded with Barb’s announcement, “There it is, Mom.”  Nancy leaned forward to gaze upon a place she once knew as Memory Manor.  She had been here many times before visiting folks in the hospital and nursing home.

“What a fine turn of the tables,” Nancy muttered to herself.  This time she would be doing the staying rather than the going.  The unwelcome idea still ate away inside her.  Even though she knew many of the residents that resided in Memory Manor, she did not want to become one.  She feared that when she did, her friends in the facility would think she was dying soon.  The idea that her life as she knew it was over made her feel queasy again.  “Be strong,” Nancy kept telling herself, “be strong.”

 Pulling up to the front entrance of the nursing home Nancy first noticed the flowers along the walk.  They looked so peaceful and lovely.  In a nearby gazebo residents sat and enjoyed the summer sun.  “Well, that’s certainly different,” Nancy thought as she briefly escaped her fear of fading away.

As she stopped the car, Barb looked at her mom saying, “Let’s see how it is.”  Nancy nodded in agreement as another tear descended her cheek.  Wiping it away she opened the door slowly.  Nancy knew she didn’t need much assistance, but she did need someone with her 24 hours a day.  “How long could I really last here?   Do I want to last?” she pondered as they walked up the sidewalk among the summer flowers.  Looking into the dayroom Nancy noticed familiar faces playing cards, watching TV, having coffee at small tables and relaxing in books.  “See, Mom, there’s a lot of different things to do, and look there’s Shirley,” Barb said hopefully.  Nancy looked again to capture Shirley’s energetic waving. 

“Yes, it looks nice, Honey,” Nancy replied as she tried to conceal the negative impulses that raged deep within.  

            They entered the double doors and were engulfed by the smell of chocolate chip cookies.    “Hi, Nancy.  It sure is nice to see you,” said Shirley as she wrapped Nancy in a warm hug. 

“My, this place sure has changed,” responded Nancy.  “It doesn’t stink like I thought it would,” she admitted silently.  

“Yes, they have done a lot of work around here.  You have choices here--if you don’t want to get up in the morning, you don’t have to!”  Shirley boasted.  “But me, Nancy, I get up because there is so much to do,” she added grinning.

 “Mom, would you like to visit with Shirley for a while until Tina is ready for us?”

“Sure,” Nancy said.  Barb then walked the corridor in search of Tina. 

            “So, Nancy, how are you really doing?” said Shirley with a softer voice and lowered eye.

“I’m scared.  To be honest, Shirley, I do not want to be left anywhere.  I know this place looks warm and inviting, but it’s just not the same as home,” Nancy revealed.

With open hands Shirley answered, “It’s hard to be left anywhere, but, Deary, I promise things are really different here.  Everyone is so caring, and you can do most of what you did at home.”   Shirley continued, “I also discovered when I came here I did not lose my family at all, in fact I gained another.” 

“How so?”  Nancy asked. 

“The people who are here are my family too.  We all work together to make living here very pleasant.” Shirley explained.  “Do you want me to show you around?”  

“Yes, it would be a treat to see it from a friend’s point of view.” Nancy added.

            “Okay then, let’s start by going this way,” Shirley directed.  “Here’s our living room--a great place to relax.  You can also get something to eat anytime you want.  See that lady standing by the stove?  She’s our host.  If we want something that’s not on hand, she helps to get it for us.  If we want to have a nice juicy steak for dinner, I can even cook one myself right there on the stove.  Maybe you could make some of your famous barbecue ribs, Nancy.” 

“You mean just for special occasions, right?”  Nancy suggested. 

“No, Love, I’m talking about the routine here,” smiled Shirley. 

“Wonderful.  I would have never thought of something like that,” said Nancy.  But honestly Shirley, what is the food like here?”

“Well, I personally have never eaten so well in my life.  They bring in fresh meat, fruits and vegetables, and they use our recipes as well.  Things are certainly not boring or bland.”    

“And the processed foods?  Don’t you get tired of that?”  Nancy wondered.

“No,” explained Shirley, “the kitchen staff here uses as little of that as possible; they try to stay with home cooked meals.”

“I see,” said Nancy.  “Could we try something?” 

 “Of course you can,” beamed Shirley.  “I just missed breakfast, so, let’s put on the feed bag together!”  After serving up their plates of bacon, eggs, hash browns, peaches and toast, they found a quiet table to continue their exchange.

 “I cannot believe how much this tastes like what I’ve had at home,” said Nancy. 

“I knew you would like it,” Shirley chuckled.  After the meal, Shirley asked, “Want to see our laundry room?”

“Laundry room?”  Nancy asked with a puzzled look.

 Shirley led Nancy into a quiet room with a washer, dryer and attractively spacious table with magazines.  “This is where I sit and write letters to the family while my laundry is running.”

“You mean you can do your laundry anytime?”  Nancy asked.

“Yes, if you want to, and if you don’t, then one of the aides can do it for you.  But I like to do my own since I still can.” smiled Shirley.

“Goodness, they have thought about everything, haven’t they?”  Nancy added.

“They’re certainly trying.”  Shirley assured.  “Things are constantly improving here.  If there is something you would like to see, you just bring it up at our Resident Council meeting and our care team tries to make it happen.  Would you like to see my room?” said Shirley.

“Yes indeed,” was Nancy’s reply.

On the way down the hall Nancy commented, “This is sure beautiful carpeting, and the color makes me feel like we are in a hotel.”

“Yes, it makes the halls very quiet and peaceful to walk down.”  Shirley said.

“And what have we here?”  Nancy asked pointing to a painting that caught her eye.

“It’s part of our art gallery.”  Shirley explained.  “People in the community bring in their work to display along with our own residents.  I have even purchased some originals for family members at Christmas time.”

“How wonderful, I could purchase this ballerina picture for my granddaughter,” said Nancy.

“You sure can,” agreed Shirley.  The two ladies continued their stroll.

“Here’s my room,” announced Shirley as she checked her mailbox.

“What is that?” Nancy inquired.

“Oh, this is my own personal mailbox, just like the post office.  Our folks bring it here directly so I don’t have to track it down.  I can even hang this ribbon out and they will pick up my outgoing letters.  Everyone has a mailbox, but it is their decision to use it or not.”

Shirley opened the door.  Inside Nancy saw a quilted bed, soft recliner, portable TV, love seat and bright window embraced by a variety of plants.  Then something took her by surprise.

“How wonderful--you have your own refrigerator!”  Nancy chimed.

“Right you are, Dear.  That way if I get hungry I can get a snack or even serve my guests.”  Shirley explained.  “It is like a small apartment in here.”

 “Did they provide all this furniture?” Nancy probed.

“No, remember now, we all have choices here.  They will do a lot to make your place like home, but you can bring in your own stuff, too. So I did.”

“Are all the rooms like this?”  Nancy wondered.

“Some rooms have two people.  In fact, I could add someone to my room if I wanted to.”  Shirley said.  “Would you like to stay in here with me for awhile to see how you like it?”   

“I will have to see what they have planned for me.”  Nancy answered.

“You have the choice if you want to,” Shirley continued.  Noticing the clock she added, “Nancy, I am sorry, but I have to go.  I’m late for an important card game, but let me walk you back.”     Retracing their previous steps, the two reached the corridor that led to the hospital.  Barb and Tina sat visiting at a nearby table.

“I can make it from here,” Nancy said.  “Thanks for showing me around.”

“Your welcome, Nancy.  It would be a joy to have you here,” Shirley said with another  hug.  “I will see you in a little bit, and remember, it may be difficult choosing to come, but they really do make you feel at home.  There are a lot of people here that will listen to you if you are having a bad day, and there are so many choices that you are able to make yourself.  You’re not loosing your home, your gaining a community.”

“You know, Shirley, earlier today I did not want to have anything to do with this place.”  Nancy said.

“And now?”  Shirley asked.

“Let’s not hatch the batch too soon,” smiled Nancy.  “Enjoy your card game!” she said   as she turned to see Barb coming to meet her.

             “Hi, Mom. How was your visit?” asked Barb.

 “It was wonderful!”  Nancy reported.  “I’m feeling much better.” 

 Mother and daughter walked hand in hand down the corridor to the front office.  After a cheerful greeting from Mary the receptionist, they joined Tina in the breakfast nook.

“Good morning and how are you this morning?” Tina asked Nancy.

“I am okay, a little nervous, but okay,” was Nancy’s reply.

“Would you like a cup of coffee and a donut?”  Tina asked.  Nancy accepted the coffee and mentioned that she already enjoyed breakfast with Shirley earlier.  Then Tina proceeded with an update.  “We were just talking about my role here as Social Services Director.”  After a few comments about resident-centered care, she asked Nancy how she was feeling and her observations about the facility this far.  Nancy was impressed with how Tina really took time to listen to her answers. 

As Tina guided Nancy and Barb around, Nancy became more aware of how wrong her ideas about this place had been.  She started to notice how natural it was for people to greet them wherever they went.  People really cared--not just the staff, but the residents were glad to see her too. 

Nancy eagerly pointed out to Barb that each door had its own doorbell and mailbox.  She also wanted her daughter to see the garden area where residents could care for their own plants.    How grand they thought it could be to have things from home here.

Nancy also noticed that the staff actually spent their time relaxing with the residents, not just waiting on them.  While talking to Katie, a Resident Aide, Nancy asked her “What do you like about working here?” 

Katie replied “It’s not like work.  I feel like this is my expanding circle of family.”

“Wow,” thought Nancy.  “You can sure tell how much they enjoy this place.” 

            Nancy reflected more over the variety of appealing resident activities that she had seen.     “How much freedom everyone seems to have,” she concluded.  

“This is your room if you plan on staying with us,” Tina announced.  Nancy first noticed the flower box right outside her window and how much space she had to call her own.  The handsome furniture, carpet and plant hooks added to the appeal.

“I love it!” said Nancy.  “This is not anything like I expected.”

“We have taken a lot of time to change the philosophy and way of care here,” Tina said.  “We will continue to change, but will always remember that this is your home.  Whatever we can do to make your time here more comfortable and enjoyable is important.”

Barb looked upon her mother’s peaceful smile. 

Tina mentioned “I will let you have some time to explore on your own.  We could meet again for lunch wherever you would like.”  Tina then said goodbye and left the two to their own agenda.

            Barb looked at her mother again who was grinning from ear to ear.  “So, Mom, what do you think?”

“Honey,” replied Nancy, “Tell that husband of yours to get his pick up ready ‘cause I have a whole new way of living to begin.”

 

 

DT/AB, 11/03